Becoming an Adult

18!!!
Apparently it's a big age. At least that's what I took away from my sister telling me every other day how "weird" it is for her to think about that her big sister is going to officially be an adult.
Can't say I feel any older....or at least I didn't till September turned out to be a month of reflection. All these things that seem like yesterday are becoming freakingly vivid in my mind. And it's kind of weird when I realize they are 5+ years back already. Of mistakes I've made, or falling away from Christ and being lovingly drawn back. Times of silliness and laughter and of sadness and loss. It's shown me that senior year is NOT going to be what I expected it to be. And life is not how I had it planned out. Of course doesn't life generally pan out that way when you think about it?

One of the big things I've been thinking on: When I was...well actually several times through middle school, I was told by adults in my life that there was a very SLIM possibility that I would keep the friends I had through middle/high school. I smiled politely as they said it, but the minute my back was turned I scoffed to myself. Ridiculous! I mean parents don't know what they're talking about right?
....Yeeeaaaah. Truth is, people grow up. As they grow up, they change, they mature (some more than others I'm sure). They grow at different speeds and in different ways. And also in middle school, it doesn't really matter THAT much if you have differing personalities. You're friends because you always have been! But as you grow older and your personalities grow more and more different, it becomes so much harder to stay friends when nothing about yourselves match up. People I was best friends with now feel I don't fit in their life. We grew apart. I think about them often and pray that they are happy and drawing close to God. They will always have a special place in my heart and there are many memories I will never be able to forget. And I still miss them dearly. I guess parents know some stuff after all.

Another thing. When I was younger, what I liked and how I acted depended heavily upon my friends. The music and movies I liked. How I approached others and how I responded to others. The clothes I thought were cute. Where I wanted to be or what I wanted to do. But the older I get, the more of myself I discover. I realize that sounds rather lame and I usually laugh at those commercials for movies that speak of "finding yourself". But in a way, it's true. I've learned not to rely on others likes or opinions to form my own. God gave me a brain for a reason. Plus how boring would it be to be like everyone else? I mean sure, it's likely that someone, someday is going to find me....odd or different. But if they have a problem with me while I'm striving to be the person God wants me to be, then I personally don't feel like caring if they like me. I hope that doesn't sound too mean ha.

I've also come to be more thankful for the family I've been blessed with and the friends I have in my life who care about me. People that genuinely love me...even when I'm being odd ;). They are a true blessing and comfort to me, and I hope every one of them knows how special they are in my life. For I fear I have not done a good enough job displaying that.

So anyway! I am thankful to God for my life and for revealing himself to me! There's no greater treasure than that of the Love of the Father. And I pray that I will learn more about Him everyday of my soon-to-be-adult life. And I'm extremely exited for the year ahead.

Poem <3

Lost

Lost and forgotten, how did I get to this place?
Confused and stumbling, I just seemed to fall into this dark abyss.
Tossing and Turning, trying to find an escape.
But DARK fingers claw at me,
continually bringing me back to this emptiness.
Every day, living only for my pleasures and desires.
But if I'm meant to live for this, why am I always searching for more?
I'm always climbing, but to what am I reaching towards?
Drowning, Lost, searching but never finding.
But then a light pierces, what is that beautiful shining?
I squint but I stare.
Why would I ever look away?
I reach towards the light, but hesitate again.
But , NO, there's that voice again in my mind.
Taunting and pulling me back to the black.
Back to the nothingness I live in.
But then, a new voice breaks through.
A faint, gentle whisper.
But where is it coming from?
I'm searching again, desperately seeking every part of me for the source of the loving hushed voice.
The voice in my head starts screaming, speaking evils against the voice I seek for so earnestly.
The screaming begins to falter as I focus on the whisper.
It speaks to my heart, to the deepest part of me.
It speaks of saving grace,
Of Unfaltering Love,
Of a FATHER who waits with open arms,
Of a Saviour who gave His everything just to live with and know me.
I fall to my knees and raise up humble hands.
For so long I've been LOST and searching.
But now...
I have been Found, Embraced.
The searching is Finished.
And I have been carried Home.

God's calling ME to missions??

I have had a true relationship with Christ since the summer of 2007. I can honestly tell you that from then up until...well a few weeks ago I have been TERRIFIED of verbal witnessing. The thought of it got my heart racing, caused my face to go all red, and I inevitably began popping my fingers.

But there was no denying that my heart did flip in my chest whenever I heard certain missionary recounts. Specifically those stories coming from missionaries devoted to China. Don't ask me "Why China?". Because I can tell you, I have not even the beginning to an idea as to why that is. All I know is every time missions based in China are mentioned, all of my heart and mind listens intently. I feel a, (for lack of a better word) a pull to China. Or just Asia in general. And I have to assume it can only be God given.

But I kept stubbornly telling myself that it must be a coincidence.
God didn't wire me for missions! There are better people out there to spread Jesus' gospel. Bold people, outgoing people who can go up to anyone and make great conversation. Someone who's always patient and understanding and all you can see in them is the person of Christ.

I, on the other hand, am the farthest from BOLD that you can get. I am content to sit by myself and observe when I am in a room of all new people. It takes at least 4 or 5 conversations with me before I'm close to being myself. I often forget to try to be understanding and I'm still daily working on the "reflecting Christ" part. He CAN'T call me.

Not surprisingly I'm wrong, and apparently HE CAN! For the first time in my life, I desire to learn how to help spread His saving Gospel. I yearn to get to comfort people in countries where they suffer for their relationship with Christ. To work with orphans who have never had the chance to discover they have a heavenly Father who loves them. To be able to see a light in people's eyes when they hear someone has already saved them from a life filled with addiction, greed and brokenness.
I've been discovering how conceded I've been. Selfishly putting my everyday comfort above the ETERNAL SALVATION of the people around me.

The more I pray that His will be revealed, the more I long to be immersed in His mission.
My most encouraging revelation lately:
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God, who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began," 2 Timothy 1:7-9
It's not of my own power that I share His gospel, it's of the power of God. The power of His spirit that lives in me. He's given us a Holy Calling, but he didn't leave us to face this daunting task alone, He gave us a Spirit of Power, Love, and Sound Mind to help us through every trial and temptation. He's surrounding and guiding me everyday.

My Father will never cease to amaze me.

Feeling Comfortable in Your Skin

A new year, new thoughts, new ambitions. Since my tweener years the message of being comfortable in my own skin has been prominent. I remember once thinking that there was no way that I would ever feel uncomfortable being me. But as I grew older I realized that that can present itself it different ways. I had myself convinced that I am confident in who I was because I never lied about who I was, I just was myself. Problem is I rarely put myself in a situation where I meet people that don't already know the real me. I am sad to say that I often let the fact of my being uncomfortable or shy or reserved (whatever you want to call it), I let that stop me from joining in on activities or doing things that I actually thought sounded fun. I try to convince myself that the reason I don't end up doing these things is because I don't feel good or I just don't want to do them. When the truth is, if I'm not feeling good it's probably because my spastic nerves made me nauseated. And I probably DO WANT to do it, I just am afraid to actually put myself out there.
So why so uncomfortable? I think I've known a long time WHY I feel that way, but I just wanted to deny it because, hey, I was comfortable in my skin.
The reason for the uncomfortable-ness is....I care much too much about what other people think of me. My mind is always thinking "Oh well what would that person think if I did that" and "how is that going to look to other people". What I can't quite understand is WHY am I so worried about it? Am I really THAT full of myself. Ummm. Yeah! Duh! I'm a sinful human being, it's hard to grasp the enormity of God, so I focus on what I can grasp, this world and humanity...well not that I understand all humans but you get my point! So!! In light of this revelation, I've decided perhaps it's time to be a grown up. It's my choice whether or not I focus on God's opinion, and His is really the only approval I should be seeking. So leaning not on my own understanding but on my glorious magnificent creator, I'm determined to draw closer to him, live for him alone, and learn not to depend on the opinions of other sinful humans to make me feel important. And my first giant step in that direction is being actively involved in standing for His Glory and Righteousness on the subject of the fight against abortion.
Abortion is something I am very passionate about. And I've let my worries about people's opinions stop me from fully standing up against it. In my mind, abortion is an atrocity very much equal to Hitler's Holocaust. It's disgusting and despicable to me that we value human life so little that we go so far as to say that a child in the the womb is not actually a full human child yet. I do not understand how anyone can have this thought and take it seriously. I understand that they are sometimes trying circumstances in which these babies come into the world, but just because a woman is inconvenienced is no argument for ending a human life. 40 Days for life is an organization that my mother came across last year. Last fall my mother, my sister and I all got involved. This is their mission statement:

40 Days for Life is a focused pro-life campaign with a vision to access God’s power through prayer, fasting, and peaceful vigil to end abortion in America.

The mission of the campaign is to bring together the body of Christ in a spirit of unity during a focused 40 day campaign of prayer, fasting, and peaceful activism, with the purpose of repentance, to seek God’s favor to turn hearts and minds from a culture of death to a culture of life, thus bringing an end to abortion in America.
(Copyright © 2009 40 Days for Life)

I like that this is a peaceful organization that is focused on prayer to our creator about this issue. I feel one of the greatest things this nation can do against abortion is pray to God for forgiveness for this sin that is so often committed in America. God is in control, he has authority over what's going to happen. In this campaign, the boulder branch of it, which is what we are involved in, stands outside an abortion clinic in Boulder (our hope is 24 hours a day) in constant prayer. I think a lot of people have forgotten the great power and importance of our personal prayer to God, and I'm very proud to be involved in a group so devoted to speaking to God about this very important issue. I would ask that you be in prayer for this organization and everyone involved. That the glory of God be represented by those involved. And if it's not too much to ask, I'd really love you to pray for me also, that I can depend on God's strength and the Holy Spirit that is always with me to stand unashamedly for His glory. That I remember God's will and opinion is all I should care about.
This is an awesome video, and I love the way this girl puts everything. If only more people would share this 12-year-old's passion.



"Even though you can't see them or hear them at all, a person's a person, no matter how small."
Love that quote. And as many of you know, we have more evidence of life than Horton the elephant did. We have technology that enables us not only to see a 3D image of the baby in the womb, but also gives us a chance to hear it's beating heart.